| something is wrong. |
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| 04:28am 12/05/2005 |
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mood: awake music: husker du-zen arcade-i'll never forget u
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ok something is wrong.
kiki is paying more attention to me.
i dont know why.
she is always looking at me and the things im doin.
im thinking she noticed the the new cat.
eversince i brke up with rai and eversince i came out kiki is treating me kinda differently.
she is always studying me and seems to be around me more often now.
funny psycho cat i have.
but then she all i have and thats not bad.
man waiting for the package is so long.
sekali tak datang2 eh.
buang masa aku aje. |
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| dying man |
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| 10:50pm 10/05/2005 |
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mood:  depressed music: dying song
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I'm going away, for-ever,
I'm going away, for-ever,
Never coming back this way,
Never coming back to this place.
What I need is a heaven,
What I really need is a heaven,
A place to go where I can really be,
A place to go where I can really be
Where I can really be.
Dreaming my life away, counts for nothing,
Dreaming my life away, counts for nothing,
But nothing ever is the end,
No, nothing ever is the end.
Should have been a full life for me, baby
Should have been a full life for me
Should have been a full life for me, baby
Should have been a full life for me
Should have been a full life for me, baby
Should have been a full life for me..............
*****************************************************************
this song is so inspirational.
so god damn sad.
i could relate so much to it |
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| man im so clueless. |
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| 11:03pm 09/05/2005 |
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mood:  curious music: death cab for cutie-lack of colour
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i just finished watching desperate housewives.
man i really miss that damn show.
i missed at least 6 episodes.
so i dont really know what has happened.
all i know now is that grabrielle and john are kinda over.
haha funny one guy(some new gardener) tried to get fresh with her by blackmailing her.
i dont know the deal btw susan and mike dolfino.
i forgot who killed mrs hubert.
i also dont know what happened btw susan daughter and mary alice young son.
why are they not allowed to meet.
the condom bit is a fucking shocker.
surprise surprise!!!!
what else am i clueless abt. i think that it.
wait theres more i wanna know bout the first bit where all of them met for a meet.
im really outdated on my desperate housewives shit.
wanted to ask my fren whether i could watch the shows that i missed at her house but then im afraid
she would say no.
welll too bad then.
damn my whole left arm is so god damn itchy.
oohhhhh i want to upload photos on this journal but i dont know how but then i must
have photos in the first place dont i??? |
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| aku baru balik ahhhhhh!!!!!!!!! |
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| 07:28pm 09/05/2005 |
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mood: mata sakit music: a whole lot of postal service.
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hmmm i do not know why but im really feelinng quite gatal past few days but its not really bad ahhhh.
Hint! hint!
my cat on the skin looks kinda weird now. from a diff angle there are lines but if u look at her straight
her looks nice.
i got the moisturiser that i have been looking for but then im not really sure its the right one though.
well how are things now.
kinda bearable eventhogh ns sucks.
but then i won mind awoling again if i dont feel like it.
most to most i will go in for 3 days only. ok lah.
its not like i have anything to look forward outside.
in fact i dont have anything to look forward to.
kiki kinda miss me.
wish she could see the other cat but then its not like she would understand.
oh yah my mom saw the other cat haha she flip.
the new cat is called kiki too.
im looking forward to 22 may. step ahead is goona play at fucking jb man im gonna enjoy screwing
with the malaysians.
raihan gila.punk gila.ehhh punk.raihan punk.
(sharp)shaiful hardcore against raihan punk.
stupid names im called. my fav raihantu |
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| aku baru balik ahhhhhh!!!!!!!!! |
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| 07:28pm 09/05/2005 |
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mood: mata sakit music: a whole lot of postal service.
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hmmm i do not know why but im really feelinng quite gatal past few days but its not really bad ahhhh.
Hint! hint!
my cat on the skin looks kinda weird now. from a diff angle there are lines but if u look at her straight
her looks nice.
i got the moisturiser that i have been looking for but then im not really sure its the right one though.
well how are things now.
kinda bearable eventhogh ns sucks.
but then i won mind awoling again if i dont feel like it.
most to most i will go in for 3 days only. ok lah.
its not like i have anything to look forward outside.
in fact i dont have anything to look forward to.
kiki kinda miss me.
wish she could see the other cat but then its not like she would understand.
oh yah my mom saw the other cat haha she flip.
the new cat is called kiki too.
im looking forward to 22 may. step ahead is goona play at fucking jb man im gonna enjoy screwing
with the malaysians.
raihan gila.punk gila.ehhh punk.raihan punk.
(sharp)shaiful hardcore against raihan punk.
stupid names im called. my fav raihantu |
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| insomnia???? |
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| 05:49am 07/05/2005 |
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mood: awake music: the postal service-nothing better
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hmmm i wonder?? am i really an insomniac.
havent been sleeping for days and when i do its only for a while.
more of a nap.
last sleep i had was yesterday and to me it was the longest i had since i went out of jail.
funny funny.
i usually cant keep awake this long and i fall asleep at 3 am or something like that but
now im just goin on without sleep.
its funny that u always dont slp early and i do.
but i now kinda find u always sleeping early.
wonder whats is making u so tired. work stress? sch?
have ur attatchment started yet??
have u found a job yet??? |
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| sucks sucks |
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| 11:05pm 05/05/2005 |
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man alot of things sucks.
i hate it.
i hate the fact i keep getting mad at stupid things.
man i could get so mad at stupid things or at anything.
but then its fun in a way.
everytime i say anything i would tend to say the word fucking.
i could count the number of times i say fucking.
do u read my entries?????
have u thought of commenting??????
i guess not??????
i love kiki. eventhough i wish she was black.
we went for a walk yesterday but she got bored of me and went off on her on. |
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| some things i came to learn today. |
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| 11:58pm 30/04/2005 |
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mood:  blank music: a honest mistake-the bravery
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i came to learn from a fren of mine that im one of someone's special friend in her list of special frens.
i wonder how and why i came to earn that priviliged of being someone's special fren.
i should not jump to conclusion.
but i got word from a very kaypo person namely jamil that told my fren he saw this person
walking alongside some person.
when i heard the news i was a bit disheartened eventhough the words from my mouth are "it's ok"
my heart ache but i manage to control it.
i had alot of human interaction today.
met really alot of people today.
some of them i wanted to meet but others were coincidental and i didnt get to meet those i wanna meet.
i finished sophie's world and i intend to read it again cause i lost touch bout it since i was in jail.
i manage to read the curious incident of the dog in night time again.
i wanna read this bk next but i dont have any money to buy it but its ok.
i ordered this t-shirt over the net and its my first purchase using my mastercard.
u know it sucks not knowing how u are doin.
are u doin well?
are u happy?
i guess u are.
i dont want to make assumptions cause i would be an ass to do that.
i guess u would have already forgotten bout me.
hope u are happy and u have a gd time always. |
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| ok ok |
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| 09:50pm 29/04/2005 |
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its confirm i cant eat at all or even drink.
each time i drink i would vomit it out immediately.
i was barely chewing my chicken when i vomitted it out.
what a mess.
i am a fuckard |
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Read 2 - Post |
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| not in a wonderful time of my life |
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| 04:13pm 29/04/2005 |
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mood: drained music: water dripping
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im still sick.
my body feels like fuck.
its like my whole system is crashing.
my heartbeat is fast one moment and slow the other.
i feel so weak.
i vomited again.
i could eat 3solid meals in jail but from the time i came out i have only
eaten a chicken which was yesterday while i was on the net.
i could not even have a decent meal. not even eat.
:(
im am in a difficult time of my life.
wish im.......
there is something else i want to write abt.
but i dont know. |
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| D H !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11 |
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| 10:25am 28/04/2005 |
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wah i really miss desperate houswives.
i miss 1mth of its episodes.
kebelakang zaman sedih ahhhh.
i dont even think i would know what is hapenning right now.
somemore its one of those shows i always watch.
never miss an episodes.
too bad huhh.
if only there is a way for me to watch those shows i missed |
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| fuck fuck full of fucks |
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| 08:10am 28/04/2005 |
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i hate it when i write so much on a entry and my comp hang.
so fuck it ahh.
newsflash.
my voice has been reduce to a hoarse.
stupid migrianes.
my hp is ok.eventhough all msgs sent while im in detention got erased.
the hardcore kids miss me hahahaha.
i miss rai
i have to play at some gig in jb in a few wks time. |
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| sigh sigh |
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| 08:03pm 27/04/2005 |
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mood:  tired music: pink floyd
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im back in singapore.
it feels weird coming out of jail. there is so much to see.
1 fucking mth in jail. i kinda feels like a yr in it.
im back to my miserable life.
back to having bad migraines.
both sides of my head fells like they have been stab with knives.
i got pills for them but im not taking them either.
i miss ira. but does ira miss me.
well i dont really think so.
does she still love me?? im not sure either.
1 gd thing from db my body is in tip top condition.
there are comments from my camp mate its that i went into db a gd person and i went out like a
gangster.what lah i went out of fucking prison.
im downgraded to being a clerk for my section.
a few days before my realease i got flu my body feel like fuck i have bad headaches.
i have fever. im a total fucking wreck.
im now in a state of uncertainty.
1mth of thinking bout her bout me my life and all.
i finally came to a simple solution. im living without any direction in life so basically
im not even living.
i dont even exist.
i have no religion. im a free thinker.
i dont really know what to do now.
i may run again or i may not.
i had alot of fights with other inmates regargding the fact im a free thinker.
i even had to be counsoul by some of the officer there.
sigh i miss rai.
i wont forget that single phonecall i made to her while in jail.
it really hurt me.
i going off.
kiki miss me ahahahahahaha. |
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| back to basics |
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| 12:22am 28/03/2005 |
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mood: what do u think??? music: uhhhh sounds of gunshots on tv.
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i feel like updating.
back to basic i would say.
i dont feel like going camp tomorrow.
AGAIN!!!!!!
but fuck it ahhh they say im gonna be sent to a doc to "talk things out"
most to most they are just gonna slap my hand and send me to DB.
well i can finally say im scared of NS and DB.
its like im so bliss and free to do what i want eventhough i not really doin what i want either
am i getting to do what i want.
when i woke up im back to thinking bout........... and i donno why.
im also back to thinking bout fucking ns and alll of a sudden im back to a world of shit well atleast
in my mind.
man this suck.
u cant run and theres nothing u can do bout it either.
i really cant do anything now.
and its not like i got anyone to talk to right now other than frens.
well i have to see bout tomorrow then.
its not like i can just ...........
sigh it sucks to not know how u are doin.
sigh sigh. |
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| ohhhhh so nice :) |
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| 04:44am 25/03/2005 |
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mood: happy?? music: bjork-its oh so quiet
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i like bjork.
she is so beautiful.
her voice is so nice.
something u can die for.
sigh.
i use to think i want to meet her hahahaha
such a big infactuation. |
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| we drove |
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| 03:45am 25/03/2005 |
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mood:  devious music: thewho-mygeneration
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hi i am again telling stories of mystupidity.
calledupmyfrendennis,mygdfrenasamatteroffact.
thoughticouldhangoutwithhimsoipopovertohishouse.
wewastheromanceofthethreekindomandplayaroundonfriendstersfindingpeopleweknow.
itriedtofindthatsomeonebuticoudnthmmmmmaybetheaccountislosedorfriendstersucks.
soisuggestthatwegoeatsinceimhungry.
andisuggestedthatwetakedenismom'scarforaride.
andasusualdenisisgameforanything.
sohehunthighandlowforthecarkeys and offwewentonoursmalltrip
soontobethestartingofourtrouble.
wellfearofbeingcaughtbythecopsistherebutwhatwefearedmostisthattheparkingspot
thatweleftwouldstillbe vacantwhenwecameback.
btualasitis not so we have to parkitsomewhereelse.
nowthethingisdenismomdontknowicoulddriveandidontreallyhaveaproperliscence
weareindeepshitnow
soimstayingawakehopingthatspacewouldclearandicouldputthecarthere
backtoitsoriginalspaceoratleastaroundit lah.
wellimdone.
hmmmiwonderwhatisshedoin.
buticantaskeither norwoulditbeadvisable tomsg her.
whatifearorwhatimafraidofseeingisthatshefoundsomeonenew.
hahahaimrealypathetichuh.
thosepeoplewhoknowmeibetuwannaslapmystupidfacehuh. |
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| so sad |
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| 02:21am 24/03/2005 |
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mood: rejected music: cardigans-stories to amuse u
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its so sad to know u are shit.
so sad to know that the people u care for or people u think that care for u
actually cant be bothered
but then u cant blame them either cause they got their own life to live.
its useless hoping but then i cant just let go.
its like ur clinging on to something or someone that dont even want u there.
well i know im shit.
shit |
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| i need |
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| 12:08am 24/03/2005 |
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mood: jumpy music: contravene-desperation
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saya nak lagu baru........
boleh lah dgr lagu punk and hard core but indie and those nice music i want to listen to them tooo.
i want i want
i want chicken pox.
i want new bks
i want money ahahaha
i dont want ns
i want to die
ide die die die deid die die
get to do waht i want is gd enough ahhhh
i want to learn again
i want go school
new bks
new cds
listen to gd music
i want thesee cds
the zutons
bloc party
the smiths
maybe more ahhh
but i getting bks first |
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| im listless or simply clueless |
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| 11:34pm 23/03/2005 |
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mood: blank music: songs from rai's tape
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i have been coped up i my rm ever since last sunday.
just sleep and sleep and i wake up once in awhile.
went out occasionaly to see the world and to just be alone.
i always enjoyed being alone once i didnt like it cause im used to being around people and frens.
im always ask my frens are u ok going out alone cause i cant.
its abnormal for a person to want to be alone.
have always been alone and i never complained.
im on official awol and im going to be on a long sentence lets say 15days when i got back to camp
or maybe my sentence would be longer but then the maximum sentence is 40days but this does
not stop them from contantly pressing charges against me.
i really cant be bothered with anything right now and to me my only woes are being broke but thats
common and being in ns(national service)
ths words will always be in my head and it will be a constant reminder that im a worthless person
"there are alot of things that i dont like bout u so rather break up than ask u to ........"
well since sunday couple of big or small events happen well let me elaborate hmmm my atm car got chipped so
it was rendered useless. i bought a new bk sophies' world. i went swimming at the river near my house
and i got alot of cuts on my left leg and i mean a lot of cuts cause the rocks are fucking sharp.
made a fren with this scene kid.
been thinking of jumping alot lately.
oh yah two really big things happen ahhhh but i rather talk bout this one ahhh.
couple of hrs earliear i got visited by my camp mates together my my clerk in charge.
i was to sign this form that required me to report to camp but then who cares bout reporting.
im just contend in doin nothing since i cant do what i want.
i really cant be fucking bother with fucking everything.
this is what i told to my clerk in charge and he recommend me to go to the M.O
in a way im goin to to see a fucking shrink.
i may be getting a green card and that means i will be exempted from ns but i will be certified as
a crazy person.
i dont mind that as long as i can do what ever i want.
well finding wrk would be fucking hard in fact i cant find wrk at all.
well i dont know ahhh all i know is im goin back to camp this monday or maybe not.
but if im not exempted from ns wel db would be my third hm and i would be a frequent visitor there.
i want new clothes i hope somebody get me nice clothes like i ask her to do provided she cares.
well i doubt she cares, a msg would suffice u know but then that would be asking.
hell my fren could just be having lots of fun to even msg.
all i want to do know is read my new bk.
well im done. |
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